I Could Be King of Iraq

I'm back.

Anyway, I keep hearing politicians and newspeople whining about there being no plan for Iraq.

???

HELLOOO, people! I've got a plan right here!

That's right, folks, your friend, good-ol Bulldog two-three alpha (that is the proper way to say it, by the way) has a plan to win in Iraq!

First, we disarm the Iraqi people. Novel concept, I know. We take away their weapons so we can control them without getting shot. Then we ship a butt-load of hippies over there to start talking about how cool it is to love everybody and smoke dope and such. While they are busy mauling the hippies, we pounce!

I know, I know, I'm a genius. Enough with the praise, read on!

I say we just bomb the shit out of Iran and Syria. Everytime something blows up in Iraq, we should drop about twenty tons of TNT on Tehran or Damascus, and maybe the capitol of Venezuela, too, whatever it may be named.

Has anybody else noticed that the people who don't want us to disarm the Iraqi people are the same hippie fags that want to disarm Americans?

Does anyone else think that arming insurgents against AlQaida is kind of stupid?

Does anybody feel like we are being led into Armaggeddon by two monkeys, a peacock, and a donkey...? Sorry, I had waaaaaay too much fun in the eighties. Anyway, I really do think that the people of these United States should make me King of Iraq. I will turn Iraq into a Kurdish paradise, where it will be illegal to be anything other than Kurdish (unless, of course, one is King). For some reason, I just like those people.

Here's the real deal: We are just grasping at straws in Iraq. We should either bow out and call it a loss (which sucks, but saves a few lives and a lot of resources), or we should bring the ever-lovin' mountain to Muhammed. I'm game, either way. If the rich folks want to have a war for entertainment, we have the opportunity to provide one of the bloodiest and most one-sided of all games ever played. If they want to keep evening the odds so Haji has a fair shake, I would rather stay stateside and watch my kids play in the yard. Call me crazy, but I don't get the feeling that anyone in any position of power right at this very moment knows a damn thing about waging war.

Put me in charge. I'll run out the media, kill the bad guys, restore order in Iraq, grant Kurdistan their much-deserved independence, and sell oil to the United States for three dollars a barrel.